Taming Dragons, Breaking Fortresses

In the heat of conflicts, the mind often becomes a launchpad for disagreements, brewing animosity and contempt, which makes it hard to give way for real solutions. These accumulating misunderstandings gradually erode the relationships and we must stay mindful.

Mindfulness is the ability to be aware of the present moment and what is important, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's reactions and tendencies. It involves active listening, emotional regulation, and deep empathy, which helps reduce friction and makes the connection more flexible and fluid. When we are mindful, it pulls us away from a state of reacting to a state of responding.

I see mindfulness as the most vulnerable form of self-honesty. It forces us to admit when our sudden emotional reactions are actually just defenses that keep us from being understood. Although these defenses may grant us temporary relief to escape from emotional discomfort, it will eventually bottle up inside and push us to become our worst selves. When we stay aware, intentional and present, it will tap the better side of our selves and approach things that would truly align with our values and the things that we truly want.

Imagine the pressure caused by an unspoken expectation, hurt or disappointment that most couples often experience. When a person is experiencing something that opens up their past wounds and scars, it automatically triggers a defensive response. And when walls are built through those bouts of pride, it will eventually become a fortress that no one can enter.

It is a challenge because our defenses are built for speed. These are our survival mechanisms designed to protect our egos from the possibility of being wrong or being hurt. In a conflict, the mind always wants to win, not understanding that vulnerability is actually a form of strength.

So take a pause. When you feel the urge to blame or shield yourself from your partner, ask yourself, "What am I actually trying to protect right now?" Pause for a moment and reevaluate how and why you are reacting in that situation. It won't take long before we realize, we have emotionally isolated ourselves from the very people who wants to earnestly reach out.

The objective is to solve the conflicts, not run or evade from it. That way we prevent good encounters from becoming added wounds in our already battle-scarred heart.