That Travel Thing

There are phases in relationships where roads look clear and wide, the destinations obvious, and outcomes expected. But as the miles add up, we eventually come to an intersection where the metaphor of driving lessons comes to life. It is the realization that both of you have your own hands on the wheel while trying to steer the same car. If two people steer in opposite directions, they come to a halt and reach nowhere. Most often, one person dominates the driving, while the other becomes nothing more than a passenger to someone else’s whims and decisions. It makes us wonder, when the relationship’s rubber meets the road, who then makes the important decisions?

The greatest threat to a long-term relationship is not a single sudden car crash, but the slow drift of two people moving at different speeds toward different destinations. What makes this challenging is that any fulfilling relationship requires a certain level of coherence to work. Talkng about collaboration, they say it is the active process of merging two distinct lives into one cohesive journey. It is this fine middle ground between wanting to be free as an individual and wanting to be connected as a human being. This search for a fine balance between autonomy and partnership forces one to consistently check the dashboard and see whether the relationship is still moving towards its true north.

If a relationship lacks coordination, couples will eventually fight for control. Like two drivers fighting over the same steering wheel, driving with different expectations and different intentions, this will eventually lead to a blind curve where they swerve and crash, leaving things unresolved. There should be a middle ground in all of this where both sides can be heard, where both sides can exchange ideas, complement each other’s strengths, and compensate for the weaknesses. Collaboration should be a no-brainer, but somehow, we feel more confident when we are in control of our journey rather than sharing that space with someone else.

Indeed, collaboration is difficult because it requires us to surrender the idea of control, and that is quite a scary prospect. Our defenses often tell us that if we do not get our way, we lose our autonomy in the decision-making process. But sometimes we have to understand and consider that our partner might have a better route in mind for certain parts of the journey. We have to go beyond the temptation of becoming the sole driver in the relationship and learn to trust the person in the seat next to us. Remember, when it comes to relationships, it is the process that matters, not the destination. You may reach the finish line with all the success you wish to achieve, but having no one else to truly celebrate it with is a tragedy waiting happen.

Take turns. Learn to give way. Learn to let go of the fears that block you from becoming the better half. Know when to stop, and have the discernment to move forward. More than that, give up that fine space for someone worthy of your presence. That shared space will go a long way. Imagine yourself on a highway, on a road trip with someone, with no more than just faith that no matter how uncertain the future is, you made it together under one roof top. Side by side, two different seats, one vast horizon. That makes the journey worth it.